TAKE it from me: being a man is tough. Women can speak for themselves.

Tuesday November 19 was International Men’s Day. This is a global awareness day for many issues that men face, including abuse, homelessness, suicide and violence.

It is also an occasion to celebrate men’s lives, achievements and contributions to the nation, society, community, family, marriage and childcare.

Yet, there were neither celebrations nor commendations. No handshakes, no pats on the back – absolutely nothing – for most of us. It was as if we don’t matter; we don’t exist. 

As it turned out this year, just like many years gone by, no men or women are ready to invest in celebrating a man. For them all, or so it seems, it would be a waste of scarce resources. 

Real man ain’t supposed to cry 

Despite all manner of the difficulties all of us men face, we don’t complain. This is because we are programmed not to. To complain or demand a right is a woman’s thing, or so we are taught from childhood.

Make no mistake, it is not African thing; it is a global reality. It is the American R&B group Public Announcement that reminded us this with their hit song “Real man ain’t supposed to cry” way back in 2000. 

Stressed lot 

Because of the tough man, macho man programming, most of us men don’t share our pains; instead; we swallow them. Consequently, we end up stressed at best or depressed at worst.

When it comes to such scary matters, we men are disadvantaged. For, biologically, women are more likely to manage stress than us.

This is because they have this magic hormone called oxytocin which lowers blood pressure and promotes a sense of relaxation that allows them to seek out social support and form close connections with others. 

Family first 

Guess who I think of when I receive that nice notification message from my bank. You guessed it right: my wife and children. When I finally think of myself, that money is gone.

I am not alone. Most men I know provide for their families first. That is what being a real man means. Also, in this part of the world, the kitchen belongs to the woman. You can guess what that means. 

Cheap ‘mtumba’ for me 

When my wife is in the mood, she takes whatever emergency cash is in the house and heads to Dar es Salaam’s Karume Market and picks some second-hand trousers and shirts for me. And some shoes…

I normally thank her for being so considerate. For, I have no budget for shopping and I have no time to go to that crowded place to buy clothes and shoes whose original owners I don’t know. Most of my friends live like that. 

Chop my money 

You are a man. You have disposable cash for entertainment. Who do you call to join you? Your boys? Reserve that correct answer for yourself.

Okay, my dear lady. You have that extra dough to chop. Who do you invite to join you in the jamboree? Your male friends? If yes, add me on that list of friends.  

Silent crisis 

We need to get a bit serious here because it is not about adult men but young men who need proper guidance if they have to become responsible adults.

‘Mashangazi’ and ‘vibenten’ are the new catchwords in town.

‘Mashangazi’ means aunties in Kiswahili but the term has acquired a new meaning recently: matured and financially stable ladies who engage in intimate relations with much younger broke adolescent boys known as ‘vibenten’. 

Bongo Flava artiste Beka Flavour has illustrated this well in his hit song Kibenten (singular) in which he laments the humiliation of being used as sex slave while dependent on a ‘shangazi’ for practically everything. 

Folks who are social media savvy will tell you that broke young men, especially in Dar es Salaam city, are constantly in the hunt for a loaded ‘shangazi’ as a means of financial emancipation. It is reported that ‘mashangazi’ also love ‘vibenten’ because of their raw energy and loyalty.

Unfortunately, this type of marriage of convenience never lasts. In most cases, ‘mashangazi’ soon get tired and bored of jobless and hence broke ‘vibenten’ and drop them like hot potato. Back to mama’s house penniless. Silent crisis, isn’t it? 

Men’s day is also toilet day! 

Let me end it in bad taste. I’m not making this up, but November 19 is also World Toilet Day. This is official United Nations international observance day meant to inspire action to tackle global sanitation crisis.

This is as 4.2 billion people live without safely managed sanitation and around 673 million practise open defecation – you see what I mean to say...  

You see? Our day coincides with poop day! I don’t know who conspired to render us a neglected lot and then went ahead and spoilt the day itself. What I know, though, is that our enemy is a goliath and only speaking out – and unity can pull us out of this deep, dark hole. Cheers!

 Songa wa Songa is a senior journalist with The Guardian. He can be reached at songa.songa@guardian.co.tz